I'm walking home from work today and I reach into my pocket and what did I find? A piece of Dove chocolate that my coworker Nannett gave to me earlier in the day. Score! Unexpected treat! So I eat it, and smooth out the wrapper and read the message on the inside:
It's okay to live without a "big picture" in mind.
I have not cried that much at an empty candy wrapper since I was 10 and I ate the last of my Rolos from Halloween.
The last few months have been hard on me. I'm in a job that is nothing more than that. A job. Some days I hate it, some days it's not so bad. It makes me money and ensures that I can keep up with my half of life. It keeps me busy during the day and I have met some truly wonderful people there.
But I can feel myself slowly getting stuck. Slowly settling for something that I don't really want but will tolerate until what it is I want does come along. I am afraid of waking up in 5 years and wondering what happened to my ambitions, my goals, my dreams for the future.
And I'm not sure how to get unstuck.
I keep looking for a way out, but in all honesty, I don't think I am trying hard enough. I talk myself out of something before I even get the chance to try. I know it's silly, but I think it's easier for me to handle the "what might have been" rather than knowing that I am rejected. Knowing that I am not good enough is a lot harder to take that knowing I didn't try. Because then I can always kid myself into thinking that I might have done well.
Sad isn't it?
But I need to do something. I need to get out. I need something more professionally that what I have at the moment.
I just don't know how to go out and get it.
